Confessional

i have 9 days until surgery, i think i've been pretty calm so far. 9 days. Y'know there is the possibility that i could die from this procedure. The saddest part of that scenario is that i elected to have this done. 9 days and the transformation begins. No more fat chris. what worries me is that i will still be fat chris inside. how do i deal with the anger and rage and sadness that will inevitably follw after people i havn't seen for a while say things like "Wow you look amazing, or I'll bet you feel so much better about yourself" I say this because it happened before. five years ago i lost 160 lbs in about 9 months. I suffered from bulemia. i reached a point in my life where all hope was lost and i thought the only way i would be happy was to be thin. it didn't work. mostly for the the above reasons. i hated people for judging me so unfairly. people who, just a year prior wouldn't have taken the time to shoot me in the head to put me out of my misery were now, suddenly, wanting me to "holla" and "come hang." this is what i thought i wanted, i was fucking miserable. i hated all of these people, but mostly i hated myself. i put myself in this position.

now it (hopefully) will be different. i'm doing this surgically. it's not really about me, it is for Rey. she needs her daddy. i've worked through most of my bullshit and i think i'm ready. i want to be healthy.

This is the first time i have ever fully stated what i went through with my eating disorder.

tree huggin' hippie rey